Experts Barbara & Allan Pease's "The Definitive Guide of Body Language"

For those following my Five in Five journey, last night I had date #2 with date #1. Over delicious home-cooked steaks and a bottle of Pepperjack Shiraz, we got to talking about something we’d discussed on our first date – body language.

He had introduced me to the research and writings of Allan and Barbara Pease, who are experts on the topic in both personal and professional settings. My date was particularly enthralled with their musings about the sub-conscious messages we put out there using our bodies while ‘courting’ (loving the old fashioned lingo!).

Feeling a bit unnerved and all of a sudden very self-conscious of any movements I made (as if I wasn’t already!), he delved into explaining some of the bodily cues Allan and Barbara share that guys and girls subconsciously give off if they are interested in the other person. Some were quite obvious (playing with your hair, smiling, holding eye contact) while some weren’t as obvious (exposing your wrists, playing with a piece of jewelry, your stance or the way you sit).

It seemed as though most of them were skewed towards the signals that girls give out, with little attention to the blokes – hardly fair!

So I set out to do some reading and research of my own into the cues that the blokes give us. After all, if he had the distinct advantage of being able to “read” my body language as well as what I was saying (of which he’d already pointed out a few things…), I was going to need to get up to speed on what he was saying. And not saying (?!). Fast. And for two reasons – one: to know what signals my body is giving and therefore be a bit more self-aware; and two: to know what signals he was giving off as I’m terrible at reading the “signs” even at the best of times.

A quick Google search and within minutes I was laden with more than a dozen links from past magazine articles and studies into the body language of love and dating.

I thought I’d share some of the things I found with those of you who are still trying to decipher dating’s non-verbal language. I won’t overload you – I know it’s hard to remember these while trying to remain aware of your own body language AND maintain scintillating date conversation. Here are my favorites (well, the ones I’m confident I can remember to watch for):

1. The eyebrow flash. When we first see someone we’re attracted to, our eyebrows rise and fall. If they like us back, they raise their eyebrows. A flash might be easy to miss but they’re so reliable, if you do spot one, you may know he likes you before he’s even registered it himself.
2. His lips part. No, he’s not going in for the pash. If he likes what he sees, his lips will automatically part for a moment when your eyes first lock, like he’s drawing in breath. Awe, you’ve taken his breath away. Cute.
3. He grins from ear to ear. A wide, toothy grin is actually very revealing. It means he is giving this his all, and he’s way into you. Probably the most obvious, but one that’s easy to miss and/or misinterpret. Sometimes a smile can be a friendly gesture. So look for the other cues while he’s smiling e.g. eye contact.
4. He goes in for the stroke. Of your head (put *those* thoughts away!). Stroking of the head, back or arms is a sensual signal meaning he “loves” you and is highly attracted to you.
5. He runs his hands through his hair. Just like a female giving the same gesture, he’s preening. It’s the visual way of saying “I want to look good for you.” So no. He does not have lice.
6. He plays with the buttons on his jacket, buttoning and unbuttoning it. It’s a displacement activity (fiddling) because you’ve made him a little nervous, plus an unconscious desire to remove his clothes. The next stage is to push the jacket open and hold it there by putting his hands on his hips. If he takes it off completely, he’s imagining his shoes under your bed.
7. He’ll touch his face a lot, while looking at you. This is my favorite. If he’s interested, he’ll stroke his cheek up and down with the back of his fingers, touch his ears, or rub his chin. It’s a combination of nervous excitement, preening and autoerotic touching. When we’re attracted to someone, our skin (most noticeably our lips and mouth) become increasingly sensitive to touch and other stimulation. If you’re drinking, you’ll take more sips. You start touching your own mouth more because your lips are ultra sensitive and it feels good. Plus, it plants the idea in the other person’s mind that it could be a good idea to kiss you.

I would love to hear if you know of any other body language cues and what they mean in the dating phase. Or is there something he/she does that you just can’t decipher? Let me know. I’d love to find out for you.

Stay tuned for Part Two for the Guys: A girl’s take (that would be mine…) on the signals we give you.

A few things have happened to me recently that have really got me thinking, and it’s lead to thoughts of fear – fear about putting yourself out there, fear about taking that leap to be with someone.

I’ve been having great fun over the first two weeks of Five in Five. There’s something about having the “excuse” of dating for charity that’s instilled a boldness in me I never thought I had. Confidence yes. But raw boldness isn’t something I’ve ever had much of. I’ve thrown caution to the wind and asked three guys on dates who I normally wouldn’t even dream of talking to let alone asking on a date.

The first had to politely decline due to scheduling limitations, while the other two said yes – and I was ecstatic. Since saying yes one confessed to being in the US for work until May but still keen to meet when he returns, and the other got a serious case of cold feet less than 24 hours before our scheduled date and subsequently cancelled.

This kind of threw me. Without knowing much about each other, he had come across my blog and revealed that he was a private person who wasn’t comfortable being written about. I clarified that I would not write about someone without their permission, but it was too late. He’d decided. I was absolutely understanding of his reasons at the time, but I found myself wondering if that was really the reason?

On Valentine’s Day I headed to the Melbourne Icehouse for Singles Skate Date Night, and couldn’t help but notice that the single ladies at the event far outnumbered the single guys. An earlier tweet had also alerted me to the fact that Honey Bar in South Melbourne was still looking for guys to join their speed dating night also on Valentine’s Day, while the girls’ spots were all booked up. And so the thoughts continued…

Lately I’ve been noticing that girls seem happier to put themselves out there when it comes to meeting guys, especially in a social situation. We’re happy to glam up, go out and see where Cupid might strike us with his bow and arrow. Even more so if there’s a chance we might meet a cute guy we can enjoy a conversation and a laugh with.

But the guys? They’re nowhere to be found.

I’ve never bought into the “man drought” excuse, seeing it as exactly that – an excuse. Over the years I’ve met lots of single guys. In bars, at sporting clubs, the gym, work, through friends, online. But in social situations where the word “date” is tacked on? They vanish into thin air.

So what is it about the word “date” that guys are afraid of?

Have we – girls – put ourselves out there too much? I’ve never been one to believe in “the chase”, but I’m starting to wonder. Have we made it too easy and obvious that we’re interested in meeting someone? And are guys getting lazier, waiting for a girl to verbally slap him with “Hey! I’m over here! Come and get me!”?

Which brings me to my next “Huh?!” moment.

Someone I dated last year and had kept holding a bit of a torch for made The Grand Gesture on New Year’s Eve. You know, the whole “trek across town in the middle of night and declare I’m sorry, I was an idiot, I miss you, you’re my best friend, we should be together, let’s try again” gesture. In this instance we had BOTH laid our hearts bare, were both afraid of getting hurt but even more afraid of not having the other person in our lives. We’d both agreed we wanted to be together.

And then nothing. He vanished. No phone call, no text message, no email. Zip. Nada. Nothing.

The reasons for his behaviour (or lack thereof…) were debated long and hard with many girlfriends over wine/coffee/ice cream/Thai food/long distance emails. Even my male mates were stumped as to why he’d go to the effort and then disappear off the radar.

Six weeks later I got the answer from him. There wasn’t one. He didn’t know. He was scared. And couldn’t even tell me exactly what of. This I found even more interesting considering a girlfriend had seen him on an internet dating site, so he was “actively looking to date or be in a relationship” (according to the profile)…

These recent experiences have helped me realise that I’m certainly not fearless myself, but I am quite honest about who I am and steadfast in being true to myself and my feelings. While I’m confident enough to put myself out there and put my feelings on the line, just like the next person I have those moments of self-doubt that a rejection is more about me and not the person giving the “No” response.

But age is a great teacher of understanding and realisation – I’m starting to see that their “No” is not about me at all. And that just gives me even more courage to continue throwing caution to the wind and keep sailing on.

Simon and I at Dog's Bar

For those that have been reading, I am currently taking part in Five in Five – five dates in five weeks all in the name of charity.

Since putting the call out for any eligible, interesting guys in Melbourne who’d like to go on a date with me, I have been pleasantly surprised by the calibre of men who’ve both made the approach and politely accepted my (very ballsy) invitations.

I set out with a challenge: allow three of the dates to be “match ups” via friends of friends, and two were to be ones where I had made the bold approach. Not one to back down from a challenge, I also set my sights high. There is something about being able to say “Please go on a date with me – it’s for charity” that’s given me the kind of gumption I may have been repressing. I don’t lack confidence (just ask me), but just like the next person I have that fear of embarrassment if the reply is going to be a resounding “Thanks but no thanks” which somehow sounds in my head like “Are you out of your mind?”.

I was pleasantly surprised when a friend of a friend via Facebook promptly answered my first call out for a date. Simon had added me a few months back and I thought I may had met him previously – I don’t normally make a habit of adding people to my personal Facebook page that I haven’t met but there was something familiar about him at the time. As it turned out, we hadn’t met and so he asked if he could take me to dinner – simple, classic, no-fuss approach. I was impressed.

Taking part in Five in Five has helped me realise that a big part of the hurdle to traditional dating these days is that we lack that all important ingredient in being available to meet someone – time. Which was apparent when Simon and I attempted to arrange our date – conflicting diaries, travel requirements for work, busy social calendars. Welcome to the life of a 20-30 something Melburnian. We finally found a mutually-agreeable date – Friday 10 February – and so it was inked into the digital diary. He suggested dinner, I countered with a drink to start… I am a bit of a fence-sitter when it comes to committing to a meal with someone I’ve never met before.

When it came to the afternoon of the date and we were still yet to arrange a specific time and place, I shot him a text. By 5.30pm there had been no response, so I packed up my desk and decided to head for home. I was a bit miffed I hadn’t heard from him (it’s not hard to send a text these days people, not hard at all… /rant) but then moments later he called, apologised and we were back on track for a 6pm-ish rendezvous at St Kilda.

A fresh slick of lipgloss, tousle of the hair and powder of the nose and I was scooting down Dandy Rd towards Barney Allen’s, a Melbourne drinking and dining institution. After a sneaky five minutes visit to the ladies for a nerve-calming glance in the mirror and mental pep talk, I sauntered into the bar and spotted Simon propped up on a stool, drink in hand and highly engaged in whatever it was he was reading on his phone. He spotted me, smiled widely and greeted me with a sweet kiss on the cheek. So it would seem the flesh version of me closely resembles the digital version. Phew.

Not knowing much about each other other than what was shared on Facebook (in which case he knew far more about me than I did about him), we exchanged the usual pleasantries – what do you do, where do you live, where did you grow up, what football team do you support, tell me about Five in Five, how difficult is dating these days.

One drink down, Simon proudly announced he was taking me on a bar hop of his favourite St Kilda watering holes to which I agreed, intrigued. We crossed the road and headed for Circa, another Melbourne institution, at the Prince of Wales Hotel. We settled into a spot on the balcony and the conversation continued to flow easily, starting to delve a bit deeper into personal life stories, world views and tales of dating experiences with friendly and understanding laughter. We discovered we had quite a bit in common, although he looks younger than he is (I guessed 37 – he’s 39) and I look older than I appear (he guessed 31 – not quite!). We also faced-off on my height rule – I was a good two inches taller in heels and to my own chagrin I discovered I didn’t really mind.

As the sun set over Port Philip Bay and tummies began to rumble, Simon jokingly chided me for my lack of commitment to dinner when he first offered the date invitation. I was enjoying his company and so agreed to head for some food. We wandered down Acland St, me listening to Simon’s snippets of St Kilda expertise as he pointed out various spots of interest along the way (galleries, bars, restaurants, houses, cars covered in bird droppings) while not trying to grimace too obviously as my high heels began to burn the balls of my feet (I had been wearing them for 14+ hours and hadn’t planned on walking too far…).

We arrived at The Dog’s Bar, tucked in behind the McDonald’s on the main Esplanade, a quaint looking Italian place complete with wrought iron gates and candle-lit tables out the front and classic Van Morrison radiating warmly from the speakers. We propped ourselves up at the bar, ordered wine, grazed on fresh bread, chatted with the friendly wait staff and ordered dinner. Simon also suggested we get a photo (pictured) and do the obligatory Facebook check-in, which was warmly received by my friends (16 likes and a couple of comments).

The next two hours passed in a flash of delicious food (linguine with seafood and chili for me, calamari and meatballs for him), lovely wine, great tunes and bullet-like quizzes of favourite movie/holiday/colour/meal. Apparently “The Shawshank Redemption” is every man’s favourite movie – you learn something new every day.

It had been more than four hours since first meeting and this Cinderella was about to turn into a pumpkin so home time was declared. We wandered back to our cars on Fitzroy Street (no parking ticket – hooray!), said an affectionate goodnight (hug and kiss on the cheek) and headed for our respective single pads.

All in all, the date was delightful – Simon was charming, confident and easy to talk with, and he picked the bars and restaurant flawlessly – either knowing how to impress a girl or gauging pretty quickly the sort of person I am, what I’d enjoy and where I’d feel at ease. And yes, I’ve heard from him since our date and yes I hope there will be a second

A recent article in The Herald Sun reports that the Hollywood notions of”happily ever after” is killing relationships.

The report claims they “create higher and often unrealistic expectations and in some cases creating pure unliveable fantasies on partners or spouses that they are then expected to live up to.”

So exactly when did the line between fact and fiction start to blur? For most girls, it’s about age 3. I know because I’ve seen it. Disney has a heck of a lot to answer for.

If you saw my DVD collection you wouldn’t be surprised to hear that I’m a sucker for a happy ending.

Human Behaviour Expert Dr John Demartini, who is due to address a Melbourne seminar later this month, says too many women are looking for the equivalent of Brad Pitt. They subconsciously (and I don’t doubt consciously as well) punish their partner for not living up to their unreal fantasies and expectations.

Hands up if this is or has been you? *raises hand slowly* Yup. Me too.

When you’re single and dating you often hope that Prince Charming is only one frog-kiss away. However, I am starting to think I pass up dozens of perfectly decent guys in the process while holding out for something that may not even exist. Dr Demartini reckons we need to check our expectations at the door and be happy to “love the one we’re with” (cue musical interlude).

I can think of a number of occasions where I’ve enjoyed the company of a great guy only to park any though of a future because he was too short (the most common)/too fat/too thin/too old/too young/too poor/too hot (yes, that was particularly stupid of me that time)/too smart/too dumb… You could say I’m like the Goldilocks of dating: I’m looking for someone who’s juuuuuust (perfectly) right (for me).

The article really got me thinking about a few thoughts that had been floating around in my head – that maybe it’s time that I a) let go of my own Cinderella syndromes when it comes to dating and The Perfect Guy and that b) there are scores of perfectly great guys out there and it’s about time I loosened up on some of those “must haves” and just say yes to getting to know someone.

I promised myself earlier this year that I was going to open my heart – to new people and new experiences. Now let’s see where that may lead…

For those who are regular readers/followers/friends, you’ll know that I have a ‘thing’ for dating (hence the title of the blog – duh). A girlfriend or two has actually referred to me (more than once) as a serial dater. But I must admit: I don’t think I’ve been doing it as well as what I should have been.

In the past I would’ve defined dating as what you do to find The One. You know, that slightly awkward yet flirtatious first few outings you spend getting to know someone and trying to figure out if their feelings are the same. In the last few years, particularly since I’ve moved to Melbourne, I’ve altered my definition and loosened up a tad. Dating to me has taken on a more casual meaning – hanging out and spending time with someone who’s company you enjoy with no expectation other than to just have a good time. A friend recently gave me some great dating advice: the reason you go on a first date is to decide if you want a second. The reason you go on a second is to decide if there will be a third… etc etc.

Being a busy career woman with a pretty full social calendar it was easy to fall into a lazy pattern of relying on online dating to meet guys for the past few years. I was no longer into going out and doing the Nightclub/Bar/Pub thing a few nights a week and when I did it was to spend quality time with friends (though they constantly teased I seemed to have one eye on the ‘talent’ in the room!) or for work purposes.

But to be honest the online dating things was starting to get a bit boring, with most profiles fitting into the predictable pattern of, “Hi, I’m <name>. I work in <blah>, love my friends and family. My favourite sport is <everything> and I like long walks on the beach and making you breakfast in bed. Check out this photo of me posing with my car/dog/cute kid that doesn’t belong to me. Now let’s play email ping pong.” Yawn.

So, while I was re-evaluating why I date and my approach to it at the start of the year, I was introduced to Five in Five - a super awesome concept that encourages single people to go on five dates in five weeks all in the name of charity. But there’s a catch: it’s dating the old fashioned way. You know, the whole spy-a-cute-stranger-and-approach-them-with-a-wink-and-a-smile kind of way. No dodgy online dating profiles. Instead you use your networks to find dates in your own community – through friends, family, co-workers. You put the word out there and BE BRAVE!

This is how it works for all those playing at home:

1. Make sure you’re single (check!)
2. Register your details (check! - http://fiveinfive.gofundraise.com.au/page/MarissaTree)
3. Start networking, spread the word, and break through the social barriers to find dates (um… nearly check?!)

Traditional dating. Yup, what our GRANDPARENTS used to do. See someone you like the look of and sidle up with a smile and introduce yourself. Make eye contact and then casually ask if maybe they’d like to catch up over a chilled Pinot Noir or a flat white. OR, heaven forbid, even ask your other friends if they know any great people they think you should meet and would hit it off with.

I recently spent the morning catching up with my great-Aunty, who’s now in her 80s but still rather spritely, who mentioned that she had a “string of beaus” on the go “back in her day” that she used to “get around town with”. It was so sweet to note that NONE of those statements were meant in the way they are often interpreted these days. So it gave me the impetus to get my skates on and start lining up some dates.

And this is where you, my friends/followers/readers come into it. I would love to hear if you know of a straight, single guy with a great personality and sense of fun (and is preferably taller than 6ft) who would be keen to go on a date with me. The good folk at Five in Five have even written a whole list of super cool suggestions of fun things we could do, beyond just the boring old glass of wine/coffee. And I reckon I’m pretty fun to talk to.

If you know someone or ARE someone who’d like to be my date, feel free to tweet me @marissatree or leave a comment here and we’ll go from there. I hope you’re ok with me sharing our date story here on my blog or with the Five in Five crew!

And if you’re reading this and thinking YOU might like to give Five in Five a go – do it. After all, it’s all for a good cause.

I found this blog on Twitter which I thought I’d share. Following on from last week’s post about my Year of Turning 30, there are a lot of Truths in here that I think I’ve always known but am slowly starting to better understand. Some ring true more than others, but I think there’s something in here for everyone.

1. There comes a point in life when you get tired of chasing everyone and trying to fix everything, but it’s not giving up.  It’s realizing you don’t need certain people and things and the drama they bring.
2. If a person wants to be a part of your life they will make an obvious effort to do so.  Don’t bother reserving a space in your heart for people who do not make an effort to stay.
3. If you want to fly, you have to give up the things that weigh you down – which is not always as obvious and easy as it sounds.
4. Doing something and getting it wrong is at least ten times more productive than doing nothing.
5. Every success has a trail of failures behind it, and every failure is leading towards success.  You don’t fail by falling down.  You fail by never getting back up.  Sometimes you just have to forget how you feel, remember what you deserve, and keep pushing forward.
6. When you get to know people with different ethnic backgrounds, from different cities and countries, who live at various socioeconomic levels, you begin to realize that everyone basically wants the same things.  They want validation, love, happiness, fulfilment and hopes for a better future.  The way they pursue these desires is where things branch off, but the fundamentals are the same.  You can relate to almost everyone everywhere if you look past the superficial facades that divide us.
7. The more things you own, the more your things own you.  Less truly gives you more freedom.  Read The Joy of Less.
8. While you’re busy looking for the perfect person, you’ll probably miss the imperfect person who could make you perfectly happy.  This is as true for friendships as it is for intimate relationships.  Finding a companion or a friend isn’t about trying to transform yourself into the perfect image of what you think they want.  It’s about being exactly who you are and then finding someone who appreciates that.
9. Relationships must be chosen wisely.  It’s better to be alone than to be in bad company.  There’s no need to rush.  If something is meant to be, it will happen – in the right time, with the right person, and for the best reason.
10. Making a thousand friends is not a miracle.  A miracle is making one friend who will stand by your side when thousands are against you.
11. Someone will always be better looking.  Someone will always be smarter.  Someone will always be more charismatic.  But they will never be you – with your exact ideas, knowledge and skills.
12. Making progress involves risk.  Period.  You can’t make it to second base with your foot on first.
13. Every morning you are faced with two choices:  You can aimlessly stumble through the day not knowing what’s going to happen and simply react to events at a moment’s notice, or you can go through the day directing your own life and making your own decisions and destiny.  Read The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People.
14. Everyone makes mistakes.  If you can’t forgive others, don’t expect others to forgive you.  To forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover the prisoner was you.
15. It’s okay to fall apart for a little while.  You don’t always have to pretend to be strong, and there is no need to constantly prove that everything is going well.  You shouldn’t be concerned with what other people are thinking either – cry if you need to – it’s healthy to shed your tears.  The sooner you do, the sooner you will be able to smile again.
16. We sometimes do things that are permanently foolish just because we are temporarily upset.  A lot of heartache can be avoided if you learn to control your emotions.
17. Someone else doesn’t have to be wrong for you to be right.  There are many roads to what’s right.  You cannot judge others by your own past.  They are living a different life than you.  What might be good for one person may not be good for another.  What might be bad for one person might change another person’s life for the better.  You have to allow people to make their own mistakes and their own decisions.
18. Nobody is perfect, and nobody deserves to be perfect.  Nobody has it easy.  You never know what people are going through.  Every one of us has issues.  So don’t belittle yourself or anyone else.  Everybody is fighting their own unique war.
19. A smile doesn’t always mean a person is happy.  Sometimes it simply means they are strong enough to face their problems.
20. The happiest people I know keep an open mind to new ideas and ventures, use their leisure time as a means of mental development, and love good music, good books, good pictures, good company and good conversation.  And oftentimes they are also the cause of happiness in others – me in particular.
21. You can’t take things too personally.  Rarely do people do things because of you.  They do things because of them.
22. Feelings change, people change, and time keeps rolling.  You can hold on to past mistakes or you can create your own happiness.  A smile is a choice, not a miracle.  True happiness comes from within.  Don’t make the mistake of waiting on someone or something to come along and make you happy.
23. It’s much harder to change the length of your life than it is to change the depth of it.
24. You end up regretting the things you did NOT do far more than the things you did.
25. When you stop chasing the wrong things you give the right things a chance to catch you.
26. One of the greatest challenges in life is being yourself in a world that’s trying to make you like everyone else.
27. Enjoy the little things, because one day you may look back and discover they were the big things.  Read The Book of Awesome.
28. Anyone can make a difference.  Making one person smile can change the world.  Maybe not the whole world, but their world.
29. Everything is a life lesson.  Everyone you meet, everything you encounter, etc.  They’re all part of the learning experience we call ‘life.’  Never forget to acknowledge the lesson, especially when things don’t go your way.  If you don’t get a job that you wanted or a relationship doesn’t work, it only means something better is out there waiting.  And the lesson you just learned is the first step towards it.
30. Regardless of how filthy your past has been, your future is still spotless.  Don’t start your day with the broken pieces of yesterday.  Every day is a fresh start.  Each day is a new beginning.  Every morning we wake up is the first day of the rest of our life.

Source: http://www.marcandangel.com 

Those of you that know me know that just like the next girl I do have those love/hate moments with my body. For the most part, I love my curves and am confident in my looks. I’ve been an advocate for a healthy body image for as long as I can remember, despite my personal struggles with my weight, and I’ve fluctuated from a size 12 to 20 for as long as I can remember.

While I’ve never tried to let my size dictate my happiness or confidence in who I am on the inside, it’s hard not to let the constant images of svelte celebrities and models that grace the pages of fashion magazines tiptoe into my mind and make me want to be just a size or two smaller…

My biggest challenge in being what I believe to be a healthy weight (and for my body that’s a size 14) has been two things: Firstly, I’m not the most athletic/physically coordinated person on the planet. Secondly, I love food. Buying it, making it, cooking it, eating it, sharing it with friends and family.

Sadly, food loves me too. I’m not one of those girls who can eat whatever she wants and still be a lean as a bean pole. I just look at chocolate and it attaches itself to my hips/thighs/stomach/arms. I know that food should just be fuel for the body and the better the quality fuel the better our bodies run. Fill it full of junk and we just become lethargic and slow. It is ok, however, to enjoy some foods on a sometimes basis. But there have been times where those sometimes foods have started to creep into my diet daily, and after a period of time I’ve found myself struggling to get my favourite pair of size 14 Bettina Liano jeans over my knees.

As far as the exercise part goes, I’m not a team sports kind of girl, more a lone ranger. Once I’m in a routine, I enjoy going to the gym and like to mix it up with a variety of boxing, cardio and weights. It’s the getting started part when I’m not feeling great about my weight that I battle with.

I few months ago I decided it was time to start living a more healthy lifestyle after letting myself go a bit and seeing my weight start to creep up, which meant getting my backside off the couch and stop putting sometimes foods into my mouth often/daily. I started training with personal trainer Andre de Villiers who introduced me to the Paleo Diet, otherwise known as the Caveman Diet. After a bit of reading, the diet’s premise of eating simply and naturally made perfect sense to me. If you think back to caveman days and what they ate – meat, organic vegetables, nuts and seeds, some fruit, no grains, no sugar, no alcohol, no dairy – you start to see that we’ve introduced a whole heap of foods into our daily eating habits that our bodies weren’t originally designed to want or need. Some of those foods have even been linked to modern diseases like heart failure, cancer, diabetes and, the most obvious one, obesity.

So, after 10 weeks of eating Paleo and regular(ish) exercise I have lost 12kg. My motivation is to get my body to a healthy, maintainable weight. I’m not on a diet, I’ve simply changed my lifestyle.

What I love about Paleo is that it’s easy to stick to. It’s also easy to design to suit your lifestyle and while I’m not “strict” Paleo I still allow myself to include some foods that I enjoy.

If you’re interested in exploring the Paleo lifestyle, there are a ton of great websites out there and some great people to follow on Twitter. Some of my favourites are:

@nomnompaleo
@yummololaberry
Paleo Plan
Everyday Paleo

Another great site is Sarah Wilson’s I Quit Sugar. While not strictly Paleo, some of the thinking is very similar. And I think she’s just fabulous.

If you’re thinking about starting to eat Paleo, whether it be to lose weight or just to live a more healthy lifestyle, I absolutely encourage you to to give it a go. And I’d love to hear how you go with it!

It’s been nearly four months since I last wrote a blog post. Wow, how time flies.

The last few months (or maybe all!?) of 2011 went by in a blur of conferences, travel, networking, planning, weddings, birthdays, parties, concerts… Add in a dash of Christmas cheer and holiday bliss and you’ve got a recipe for How Not To Keep Your Blog Updated.

While 2011 certainly had its trials and tribulations, I can wholeheartedly confess that I can look back on last year and say, “2011, you threw everything you could at me, but you know what? I still had a rockin’ good time.”

We’re now six days into a new year. 2012. The Year I Turn the big 3-0.

It’s also the Chinese Year of the Dragon*, which in their zodiac represents success and happiness. They move like lightening and whirlwinds – all powerful yet totally unpredictable. So if that’s any indication about how the next 51 weeks is going to pan out, I say bring it on.

In the blind optimism of starting a new year and also the fact I’m embracing the approach of my 30s with gusto, I’ve taken some time out to think about the values that mean the most to me. So I thought I’d share them and maybe you can help keep me accountable?

Write regularly
Eat healthy
Exercise frequently
Save more
Spend less
Work harder
Talk honestly
Listen openly
Laugh joyously
Celebrate often
Forgive easier
Love genuinely

And above all stay true to myself.

I’ll continue to share my thoughts and feelings on life, love and friendships with you and invite you to share in embracing all that this year has to throw at us.

Here’s to 2012!

I have a three date curse. Without fail. Every third date. He opens the Ex Files.

If I knew exactly how the conversation steered in that general direction I’d have come up with a diversionary tactic by now, but they generally tend to start with, “So I feel like I should tell you about…”. My response? “No really, you don’t have to. Totally unnecessary. Honestly. Don’t talk. How good is this wine/food/view?”. Which always somehow manages to fall on deaf ears…

It is just me, or is opening the ex-files on the third date too much too soon? Actually, anytime to open the ex-files is too much too soon for me. I’ve always been of the opinion that if there’s nothing from your previous relationships (property/finances or custody of children/pets) in your present, then you shouldn’t be introducing it to your future. If he’s a seemingly well adjusted, happy guy who is open to a new relationship and he’s learnt whatever it is those past relationships taught him about having a successful future relationship, that’s all that counts.

But what if there are things from past relationships that need to be shared and laid bare? Then go ahead, by all means tell me about your adorable children/labrador or how the house you bought and renovated together is on the market and should sell any day now…

But then when it comes to talking about your ex, it’s all about the tone you use. If he’s snarling or using words of contempt, calling her/her family crazy, and just generally being negative I can’t help but hear warning bells, as when it’s a negative passion, it’s still passion which means there are feelings that he’s still not over. Girls, heed my advice: run away, don’t walk. Immediately.

However, if he’s calm when he talks about it and resolved to the fact that his experiences have made him stronger and more clear about what he’s looking for in a future relationship and he wishes his exes well (heck, he might even stop and say a brief hello if he randomly ran into them in the street), keep an open mind and let the juicy tidbits flow. You never know what you might find out about him as a person about how he handles himself and deals with his emotions, which is of course a huge factor in knowing your emotional compatibility with someone.

Now, I’m all for being open and honest especially in the early stages of dating, but by not sharing or divulging all the gory past relationship details are you in fact lying? Or is it just sharing information on a needs to know basis? And what is the best time to open up the Ex Files?

Apologies readers for the long drinks between posts. I have a habit of getting on a bit of a role and then going silent. I tend to take inspiration from the happenings in my little corner of the world – whether that’s my own experiences or those of the people closest to me. To be honest, my own dating experiences have been somewhat light on in recent months as I spend a bit of time with my own thoughts and feelings. Trust me, that’s exhausting enough at times!

Anyway, I digress…

So today I got chatting with a dear friend (who openly prompted me to write a blog about this, so really I’m just doing as I was told) about the whole “trust in relationships” issue.

Yes, I am opening that can of worms right here for you right now. Hold on tight.

Actually today’s thoughts first stemmed for me late last week when I considered my own situation and feelings towards someone who was in my life recently and what may/may not happen if they were to re-enter it and how I might react. Those that know me know I like to get all “up in my head” sometimes, Nine-From-Offspring style.

Standing in the Nando’s lunch queue today, Mel was venting her frustrations with me over her current head versus heart battle as she stepped tentatively towards working it out with a guy she’d recently broken up with over what (at the time) she believed was a myriad of issues. However over the past few months she has come to realise that it’s really one main issue that was driving a wedge between them and realised that for all the good there was in the relationship that she could maybe, one day, move beyond or accept that flaws that drove them apart.

After all, I’ll be the first girl to stick up my hand and claim that I too need to let go of the Prince Charming and Happily-Ever-After ideal that is more unrealistic than beer-drinking unicorns. I know I’ve missed out on some great guys in the past due to my picture of the Perfect Guy For Me, and I’ve also sabotaged relationships that in essence were great but I spent too much time fixating on that one thing that drove me nuts.

Hmm… it appears digression is the flavour of this post…

So that flaw that drove them apart was essentially words versus actions. Verbal promises versus physical behaviour. He’d say one thing, yet do another. Promise her the world, but wasn’t delivering. There was also an emotional tug-of-war and numerous mental manipulations going on but this blog isn’t really the place for me to reveal too much more on those.

It got to the point where she couldn’t keep going and the relationship ended. He’s begged and pleaded for months, promising that he’ll do better, but she’s not so sure it’s just not all words again. However, as frustrating as it was, the gravity of their love has pulled them back together. Very Big and Carrie-esque, but I know exactly how she feels. When it’s love, it’s love. And sometimes the greatest loves are worth fighting for.

And as much as in her heart she can see that this time around he has made changes and is living up to the promises, she’s finding the words coming out of her mouth are putting up emotional and mental barriers. And over Diet Cokes today she lamented, “Why am I being such a b!tch towards him?! I don’t want to be this bitter, angry person! I’ve never been like this!”

In all my years of dating wisdom and getting back with exes (against my better judgement) and doing exactly what she’s doing right now, my reply went something like this:

The barriers are there because you want him to prove to you, however long it takes for those barriers to be broken down, that he WILL do what he’s saying he will. You need to see the proof and have constant confirmation that it’s not just empty words this time around. You’re in self-preservation mode. Because if you trust him just as easily this time around that means he can hurt you twice as much – firstly for breaking the promises he’s making and secondly for you to despise him even more this time for allowing yourself to trust him again. And I can’t tell you when or if you’ll stop behaving the way you are, because two things can happen. One is he’ll keep persisting and finally break through those barriers you’re putting up, proving to you that he thinks you’re worth pursuing and your relationship will be stronger and more honest than it was the first time. Or alternatively you surrender – either he gives up pushing and/or you give up fighting back because your relationship can’t get past this – and then it will be truly over because you’ll come to the natural conclusion you can’t move on from this. You either need to be able to accept that this (the wedge that drove their relationship apart the first time) is the make-up of your relationship and it’s all part and parcel of this person that you love and giving them your love in return, or you don’t. But you’ll only know the answer to that when you’re ready to know it. I can’t tell you.

Mel’s experience got me thinking about my own behaviour in the early stages of my recent relationships. I’ve come close to really opening up to the possibility of being with someone twice now since moving to Melbourne and both times my self-preservation walls have gone up faster than Marilyn Monroe’s dress on a New York subway vent. I have had a habit of taking the sense of distrust from past relationships into my present ones. I get to a point in the relationship where what’s coming out of my mouth or in my body language is in complete contrast to what’s going on in my head and it feels like there’s no control or filter. I’ve even caught myself thinking “Who is this person speaking right now?! Lighten up, lady! You’re happy to be with him and these neuroses are yours and yours alone. Let. It. Go.”

The next bit of advice I shared with Mel I probably should’ve heeded when things went pear-shaped in those two past nearly-relationships of mine I mentioned…

If you’re struggling with what’s going on in your head versus what’s going on in your heart, tell him. Be open and honest. Say “I’m making this tough for you because it’s going to take me some time to fully trust again. Please bear with me while we work through this. To get there, I’ll need constant confirmation in words and behaviour that you want to be with me, because your actions previously didn’t show me that. I need to see it. And I want us to be together and be happy.” 

So, what do you think? Why do we put these barriers up and can they ever truly be broken down, either by the person who they’re up to protect yourself from or the next person who comes along? And if it’s a trust issue, can a relationship where that trust was broken ever be fully mended and you can move on together and be happy? Or is it possible to start over with a clean slate or is it a case of forgiven but not forgotten?